Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
