did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
