Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
