textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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