your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Randomize
