6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
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The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
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I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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