4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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