cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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