so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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