I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
