Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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