i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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