Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
