Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
