I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
