He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
