he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
