mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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