well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
