Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
