I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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