Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
