Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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