none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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