I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
