hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
