if you like me you must not know who I am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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