Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
