so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
