i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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