Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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