Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
