Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
