My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
