I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
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I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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