Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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