He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
