Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
