just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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