You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
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What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
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ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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