Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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