you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
