You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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