there's paper in my vomit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
