I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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