I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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