She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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