He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
