I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my shit smells like andre
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
