I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven