Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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