These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
