I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
